


find a place where you feel safe

by daenw (freckledfoxes)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coda, Depression, Episode Tag, First Kiss, M/M, Post-Coital Cuddling, Post-Episode: s12e10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets, dean cries to literally no one's surprise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 18:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10996086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freckledfoxes/pseuds/daenw
Summary: Sam had long since gone to bed and Dean had wandered off not long after, supposedly also calling it a night, but Cas is still sitting at the war room table, staring at Warsaw with infinite and indiscernible thoughts rushing through his mind. Sam and Dean’s words, their praise, their assurance, their gratitude, overlayed every shred of information coursing through him. It made his stomach warm, his chest swell. It made him feel so full he could hardly stand it.But there was also the doubt.





	find a place where you feel safe

Sam had long since gone to bed and Dean had wandered off not long after, supposedly also calling it a night, but Cas is still sitting at the war room table, staring at Warsaw with infinite and indiscernible thoughts rushing through his mind. Sam and Dean’s words, their praise, their assurance, their gratitude, overlayed every shred of information coursing through him. It made his stomach warm, his chest swell. It made him feel so full he could hardly stand it.

But there was also the doubt.

Cas was so blinded by it. _They’re only telling you what you want to hear so you won’t leave them. You’re a tool, Castiel, nothing more. Everything they touch is ruined, how are you any different? You’re their pet. They’re attack dog. You’re-_ -

“Cas?”

Cas blinks and looks up to see Dean standing beside him, brows pinched into that worried expression that he gets that Cas doesn’t really understand.

“I said your name like ten times, man. What’s wrong?”

Cas shakes his head, sitting up a bit more in his chair. “It’s nothing. Just thinking.”

Dean’s eyebrows shoot up. “Well, don’t hurt yourself.”

Cas rolls his eyes and looks down at his own hands clasped in his lap.

Dean stares at him for a moment longer and Cas tries to ignore the feeling of being examined like a bug under a magnifying glass. Finally, Dean looks away and he pulls out a chair. He sits down with a small sound that Cas knows is from a sharp pain that spikes through Dean’s left knee. He should fix that for him some time, he thinks.

“Why are you still up? Did you sleep at all?” Dean asks. He sounds concerned, but Cas can’t tell if it’s real.

“I don’t sleep.”

“Obviously I’ve seen you sleep. Maybe you’re not sleepy but I’m sure you’re exhausted. You should rest.”

“I’ve just been sitting here.”

“That’s not _rest_ , Cas.”

“Dean--”

“Don’t bullshit me, Cas. Okay? Look, I told you what I was feeling. I thought we were good? What’s with the short answers?”

Cas can feel Dean’s anger and he relaxes slightly. He understands this from Dean. This makes sense more than concern or fondness. This makes more sense than anything. He can work with this. But before Cas can say anything, Dean speaks again.

“I’m not trying to start a fight, okay? I just-- Something’s up with you. I can tell. And I want us to be good. Like… Like back when we first met. It’s been a long time since it felt like we were on the same page.”

Cas deflates slightly. “Dean, we’ve rarely been on the same page.”

“Okay, but things are always better when we are,” Dean offers, leaning forward to cross his arms on the table. “I-- Cas, I know that look in your eyes, okay? I get it.”

Cas raises a brow, unimpressed. Dean’s words make heat flare up in his throat. “Doubtful.”

“I do. It’s called being depressed,” Dean says flatly, eyes boring into Cas like knives. “I know that look because it’s the same look I’ve seen in the mirror every day since I was-- fuck, eight? I don’t even know anymore. Because at this point it’s just my default setting.”

Cas stays silent, still staring down at his hands, his jaw aching with how hard he’s clenching his teeth. He doesn’t want to think about Dean feeling the same way he does. He doesn’t want to think about how much Dean is hurting, because if Cas, an angel with superior mental, physical, and emotional strength, is hurting, he can only imagine the pain Dean feels. He doesn’t want to think that Dean hates himself as much as Cas hates _him_ self. That shouldn’t be possible.

It only makes everything monumentally worse.

“I’m not telling you this to make you feel worse, Cas,” Dean say, and Cas wonders for a moment, absurdly, if Dean just read his mind. “I’m not trying to compare your shit and mine. I just want you to know that whatever you’re feeling, and what that shit is making you think… those things aren’t _real_. Any-- Any _doubt_ they’re making you feel? Don’t listen to it.”

It’s then that something... remarkable happens. Something Cas never could have imagined. Something Cas never thought he’d experience or earn. Something saved only for his wildest, most incomprehensible thoughts…

Dean takes his hand, slow and gentle, as though trying not to startle him. He slides his fingers into the spaces between Cas’ and squeezes so lightly that it makes Cas dizzy with the emotion of it.

Cas finally looks up and it’s into a face that is so open and so, so _terrified_.

“I’ll let go if you want me to,” Dean says quietly, voice trembling with uncertainty.

It’s then that Cas sees. He finally sees what he’s missed because the aching clouds everything else.

“But I hope you don’t want me to.”

Dean _does_ care. Truly. Deeply.

Cas tightens his hand around Dean’s in reply, words stuck in his throat. But it must be enough for Dean because the tightness around his eyes softens just a fraction and a small smile lights up his face. He’s still afraid. Cas can see it in the way Dean’s free hand fidgets on the table. He’s afraid this will all be ripped away, afraid this is all just a dream, afraid Cas is only humoring him.

Afraid Cas doesn’t even know what _this_ is.

But he does. He _does_.

He knows Dean can’t feel it. He can’t sense Cas the way Cas can sense him. Dean doesn’t have that power. Dean’s fear stem from a real uncertainty that Cas will have to alleviate with words or actions.

So Cas leans forward, just an inch or so, before he finally gets his throat to work.

“Dean, I’m going to kiss you.”

Dean doesn’t stop him.

~

It’s later, in Dean’s bed, under covers, flushed and damp and warm, when Dean finally presses apologies into Cas’ skin. Cas runs his hands through Dean’s hair, lets Dean whisper his _I’m so sorry_ s and his _I’m scared to death_ s. Cas listens, responds with presses of lips and fingertips and tries to alleviate the terror in Dean’s mind.

He shushes Dean eventually, who had broken down into quiet sobs against Cas’ shoulder, overwhelmed with panic. Cas presses his face into Dean’s hair, closes his eyes and runs a comforting hand down Dean’s spine.

“I’m here, Dean. I’m here right now.”

“We don’t know for how long.”

Cas sighs and closes his eyes, resting his cheek against the top of Dean’s head. “Isn’t that how it always is?”

He can feel Dean swallow thickly, feels the tightening of Dean’s fist against his chest.

“Shouldn’t be.”

Cas hums quietly in agreement and presses his lips to Dean’s forehead.

“Try to sleep, Dean.”

“You stayin’?” Dean asks hesitantly. He’s worried for the answer.

“As long as I can.”

Dean must be satisfied with that, because he doesn’t ask anything else, only clings tighter to Cas, tangling their legs and pulling Cas close. Within moments Dean’s back to sleep.

Cas strokes his fingers through Dean’s short hair, slow and deliberate, memorizing every sound, every rise and fall of Dean’s chest, every soft sigh, cataloging the moment and filing it away, safe and protected from the world.

Eventually he falls asleep as well.


End file.
